Friday, October 2, 2009

Are we really ready?


It is a cool and breezy Friday...compared to what to we are used to around the Hill Country! I just finished having blood work done to rule out lupus and some other pleasant disorders. Just before donating a pint, I was able to visit some amazing friends of mine who are new parents to a precious little miracle baby boy! I watched these two brilliant and well equipped people and still thought..."They have no idea how their lives are going to change!"

That is a resounding theme around me these days though. My life is going to change over the next month, and how it will unfold is a mystery to everyone. I have a bone scan on Monday to reveal the extent of damage that the steroids have caused. I will go next Friday to have more blood drawn to see if I am anemic from the Cell Cept and to find out if I have to add cholesterol meds due to the diabetes. All of this is routine now and I have confidence that we can handle the results from any of those tests. What does have me concerned is that we are preparing to remove the steroids.

The vanity in me is ready to be off the steroids and for my body to adjust to its previous form. While I may only weigh 120 pounds now, I have gained 20 pounds in just the last two months. When you have been little your whole life, you would be surprised how many people think you are unaware that you have gained weight...and point it out! That being said, the risks of coming off the steroids terrify me.

I will work half a day next Wednesday and Thursday, and then take my usual Friday off. I hope that this will give my body the chance to rest. On Monday, the 12th, I will back down to 40mg of prednisone. This is the level that I was at when I relapsed. I was not on the CellCept then, so hopefully this will be less eventful. Then on the 26th, I will try to back down to 30mg. This will be uncharted territory. If we are successful, we will continue to back down the steroids more. If we are not successful...well...I will relapse. With each relapse, I will suffer brain damage and I am at risk for...not good things.

While at Bible study last night, I was reminded of a very popular verse, but one that now has new meaning to me. It is Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

While I know that this verse does not guarantee an earthly future, I hang on the word "hope" and trust that the Lord wants to protect me from harm. Maybe these are thoughts planted by the enemy, but I have been thinking a lot lately about my babies. I have been playing the "what-if" game. What if this does not go well and I am gone, in a coma, or unable to be the parent that my kids need. Have I taught Bradie enough to ensure that she grows into the amazing woman, wife, and mother that she can be? Have I built Logan up to have the confidence to be the Godly man, husband, father, and leader that he is purposed to be? Have I left an example for them to follow that will inspire them?

The real answer is no. That is a job much bigger than me, and I know it is in the Lord's hands. I just pray for peace, and I ask that you pray with me. Pray for my coverage over my family. Pray for strength to follow the path we are given.

3 comments:

  1. Kim,

    Yes, that verse is so encouraging. I remind myself of it often.

    I am not sure if we feel our children are ever "prepared". We can only do our best and God will do the rest.

    I'm continuing to pray for you. Now especially I will pray that the drop in the prednisone will be a good thing and you body will react kindly. Also, that God will give you all peace and strength to follow the path he leads you down.

    I know the weight gain is hard, I"ve been there, remember God does not look at the outward appearance He looks at the heart. And coming from someone who really doesnt' know you, your heart is beautiful! Blessings to you!

    kts

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  2. My dear Kim: As Karen put it so well, you have such a wonderful, caring and giving heart. You have blessed our family beyond words we can express. Not knowing what the future holds is definitely hard. But your faith will give you the strength to get through.
    Our love to you, John and Glenda

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  3. Dear Kim,

    Haven't heard from you in a while on your blog. I hope you are doing ok, and that you're having more good days than bad.
    Just wanted you to know we hadn't forgotten about you. May you realize that God continues to give you strength to handle the challenges that you face.
    ~still praying, Karen

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