Honesty...

I am publishing some photos now only because I am finally on the other side. Most of you know that when I was initially diagnosed with HE, they used high dose steroids to stop the convulsions, then I remained on high dose steroids, prednisone to be exact, as a form of treatment. When most people are exposed to that high level for a prolonged period of time, the body begins to change. My face rounded out (moon face as it was referred), my pancreas shut down (creating diabetes), my body was confused and thought I was starving so it began to store every calorie consumed. It also increased my appetite (this made me gain 30 pounds in 4 months.) I am only 5 feet tall, so this made me square. It would have been more if I wasn't on a liquid diet for part of the time and exercising every chance I could. I even developed a lump on the back of my neck that was referred to as a Buffalo hump! Seriously! Of course there were other problems such as bleaching of the bones, bone and muscle aches, insomnia, not to mention that it made me certifiably crazy!!!!

After a trip to the Mayo and some experimentation by my doctors, I was able to come completely off the steroids. Eighteen months later, I am finally at the weight I should be. I have to admit that the weight was the worst part. Please do not think of me as vein, but I realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in the way that I looked. I grew up in a family where every member struggled with their weight and were constantly dieting. I was a competitive gymnast and struggled to consume enough calories. I had to eat like a hobbit while the rest of my family tried one diet after another. We celebrated and mourned with food.

As a teenager, when I felt my life was spinning out of control, I learned that food and my weight were the only things that I had control over. Years later, God showed his amazing sense of humor. As though becoming the largest pregnant human on the planet every time I conceived was not enough (Oh, yes...strangers would walk up and tell me that!), but when I was at my weakest and in my greatest time of need, I lost my one coping mechanism. People definitely treated me differently. Those that know me didn't understand if they should point it out or ignore the difference. It even felt as though strangers treated me differently. The change was so fast that I didn't recognize the girl in the mirror and I certainly didn't feel like myself. I felt that I had lost me. That left me with turning to the Lord. Sure, that should have been my first choice, but I am known for doing things the hard way. In fact, I became angry with God first and rebelled. Thankfully, he is a faithful and patient God.

I often get spiritual amnesia though and forget that I need God when my life is peaceful, so he keeps sending me reminders of that time. You see, my condition is progressive and we are constantly having to adjust my medication to deal with new or stronger symptoms. My energy level ebbs and flows. When people in my community see me out, it is because I am having a good day. I appear brighter and the weight is gone, so I am frequently asked if I am better now. "You look better," they remind me while answering their own question. I smile and tell them that I am doing well that day. But I can almost hear God chuckle as I walk away, because we both know that I would not be here or have good days if it were not for his presence.

(in order: October '09, Hurst Wedding '09 (Fall), Easter '10(Spring), Beyer Wedding '10 (Summer), September '10.