Stages

Living with an illness that is unpredictable and progressive has its challenges, but as I am trying to teach my children, without challenges, we are left without the opportunity to learn and grow.  Our family has had plenty of opportunities to grow this year, but I personally reflect on them as blessings.  Please do not think that I am saying this is not the hardest time of our lives.  There have been plenty of tears shed, but I was given amazing advice from my cousin who was diagnosed with MS over 10 years ago, in her early twenties and well invested in medical school.  She explained that being diagnosed with a serious illness forces you to go through all of the stages of grief, and so do those who love you.  Every time there is a progression or something new, we begin the stages all over again.

I knew immediately what she was talking about back then, but it has only begun to make more sense.  I was recently told that due to the progression in my illness, we have had to increase my medication which causes fatigue, not to mention that HE comes with its own debilitating fatigue.  My neurologist has cleared me to exercise again, hoping that this will help combat some of the fatigue.  I have pulled off a few good workouts without any ill effects.  There is concern though from a few people close to me, because I tend to exercise as though there is nothing wrong with me.  It may be temporary denial, but it just is not in me to accept that I am not whole.  I hit the angry phase a long time ago.  That one came easily, but with devestating effects.  I didn't have an enemy to blame or fight, so I was angry in general.  I became angry with God, too, for a while.  I know in my heart that he didn't make me sick, but he had the power to heal and the power to deliver.  I threw a pity party and felt sorry for myself, my husband, and my kids.  I questioned my worth and the colateral damage being done.  

Then I heard the familiar Jeremiah 29 verse that reminds me that the Lord would not harm me and that he has plans for me to prosper.  Could it be that he allows me to deal with this illness as a way to prosper?  Yes!!!!  And not for my own sake.  I learned to be patient and I am learning to let go of control.  I am learning to turn to the Lord for help first, rather than keeping him as plan B in my back pocket.  But most recently, my youngest son has had a very tough time with my illness.  His heart is so big and his compassion for those around him makes it difficult to thrive sometimes.  Maybe it is because he is my little man, and wants to fix me.  I am trying to show him the way that my illness is a blessing.  We now appreciate the small things.  We celebrate every small step as though it is the finale.  We enjoy life and the pleasures that come with it more.  Our family has been blessed to have an amazing church family, friends that are as close as family, and a support system that knows no boundaries.  Millions of people walk the earth each day with blinders on and we rejoice all the ways we have been provided.

I attended a funeral on January 1, which most people would have seen as a terrible way to start the year, but it too was a blessing.  While the man will be missed and there is a vast void from him being gone, his family stood and shared all of the ways they were blessed through the years by his teachings and presence.  His grandchild sang the Lord's prayer with confidence, because he had been gifted with a relationship with our Lord.  I left the service feeling honored to witness such love.
 

My family continues to deal with endless medical bills and physical struggles.  We are looking into the appropriate time for John to have his ankle replaced.  As the only shock absorbing joint in the body, this will take him off his feet for months.  It will be the better part of a year before he will be fully mobile if all goes well.  This will put the full burden of caring for and transporting the family on me, yet my driving should be limited.  John is also the only financial contributor to the family now that I have been told not to work any longer.  A year ago, I would have crumbled with the stress and been overwhelmed.  Now, I know that the Lord will not only carry us through that time, he will continue to provide as he has done in the past with his perfect timing.

Angel Bradie



Logan and Classmate